the a-rod and kobe one was weird, the heidi klum one was totally un-hot after they buttoned her shirt up, but now the guitar hero people have finally made one of those "risky business" commercials i can get behind.
first of all, coach k's and roy williams' expressions are priceless. pitino's drumming style is hilarious. but what really kicks the whole thing over the edge is the way bobby knight says "we're playing the guitar hero!" like the most stereotypical old dude ever, and then goes ballistic when whatshisname from metallica calls him pops.
thank you, guitar hero. you have reached the pinnacle of this particular advertising campaign.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
33 minutes till fantasy draft time!!!
I have spent the whole day doing all the prep work that I should have been doing for the past few weeks, and also making peanut butter rice krispie treats, for draft fuel. My trusty laptop is charged up, my spread sheets are ready to go, and now all I can do is watch UConn v. Mizzou and wait... Bring it, people! Team Boli is 'roid ragin' and ready to go.
Now I would like to speak briefly about one of the many commercials I have seen a million times during March Madness, because as with any televised sporting event, the sponsors beat you over the head with their product until you are unable to do anything but wander dazedly into their establishment and patronize it out of sheer disorientation.
The commercial I would like to highlight is for Subway's "Five Dollar Foot Long" promotion. No, it is not the one where all those creepy wanna-be actor types surround that dude at the Subway counter while singing the Five Dollar Foot Long song (and surprisingly, he doesn't snap and start karate-kicking them, because that's what the fuck I would do if I found myself surrounded by cheesy, destined-to-fail actors).
The one that I am talking about features a dumpy, shabbily attired used-car-salesman(why do used car salesmen get such a shitty rap? I have bought a used car before, and the dudes who sold it to me were very nice people) who is excitedly setting up his used car lot for a big sale. He has climbed an old, rickety ladder, and is just about to hang his worn-out looking, not-so-sparkly banner or whatever, when all of a sudden, his attention is drawn to some confetti-like substance spewing from behind him.
It turns out that Subway, apparently located across the street, is having a much bigger celebration for their stupid "Five Dollar Foot Longs" (which don't exist, by the way, but that is another story, and blog post) which immediately overshadows the used car salesman's meager celebration, a situation which is reflected in his facial expression of disappointment and inadequacy, upon realizing what has happened.
Now, first of all, if you have been following me thus far, you know that I just admitted that this Subway commercial has caused me to experience real emotion, on behalf of the poor, overshadowed, failure of a used-car salesman. When I finally realized that this was how I felt, I mentioned to CW that I thought it was fucked up that Subway had to go and make this guy feel bad about his meager celebration. CW looked at me in a way which made me painfully aware that I had just said something that most people would find to be the ramblings of a looney tune. His "Okay" was tinged with a slight warning, as if to say, "Please tell me that you are joking, in some way, and are not feeling real emotion on behalf of a character in a Subway commercial." However, probably because he is marrying me, CW was willing to humor my observation for that brief moment and let me not answer the part where I would have had to admit that I did really feel bad for the used-car dude. I left it at that.
But then yesterday, I got to work a few minutes early, and was pretty hungry. I suddenly found myself wandering in the aforementioned commercially influenced haze, into the Subway restaurant located next door to my job. Boy did I feel like a sellout. Not only was I now eating a crappy turkey sub off some stale roll that had obviously not been baked in the hour or preceding my visit, as Subway likes to claim. But I was also forsaking my compassion for the plight of the used-car salesman, who had fallen prey to Subway's corporate advertising budget and had picked the wrong day to try and have his big sale. Damn corporations.
OK! Gotta go, fantasy draft time.
Now I would like to speak briefly about one of the many commercials I have seen a million times during March Madness, because as with any televised sporting event, the sponsors beat you over the head with their product until you are unable to do anything but wander dazedly into their establishment and patronize it out of sheer disorientation.
The commercial I would like to highlight is for Subway's "Five Dollar Foot Long" promotion. No, it is not the one where all those creepy wanna-be actor types surround that dude at the Subway counter while singing the Five Dollar Foot Long song (and surprisingly, he doesn't snap and start karate-kicking them, because that's what the fuck I would do if I found myself surrounded by cheesy, destined-to-fail actors).
The one that I am talking about features a dumpy, shabbily attired used-car-salesman(why do used car salesmen get such a shitty rap? I have bought a used car before, and the dudes who sold it to me were very nice people) who is excitedly setting up his used car lot for a big sale. He has climbed an old, rickety ladder, and is just about to hang his worn-out looking, not-so-sparkly banner or whatever, when all of a sudden, his attention is drawn to some confetti-like substance spewing from behind him.
It turns out that Subway, apparently located across the street, is having a much bigger celebration for their stupid "Five Dollar Foot Longs" (which don't exist, by the way, but that is another story, and blog post) which immediately overshadows the used car salesman's meager celebration, a situation which is reflected in his facial expression of disappointment and inadequacy, upon realizing what has happened.
Now, first of all, if you have been following me thus far, you know that I just admitted that this Subway commercial has caused me to experience real emotion, on behalf of the poor, overshadowed, failure of a used-car salesman. When I finally realized that this was how I felt, I mentioned to CW that I thought it was fucked up that Subway had to go and make this guy feel bad about his meager celebration. CW looked at me in a way which made me painfully aware that I had just said something that most people would find to be the ramblings of a looney tune. His "Okay" was tinged with a slight warning, as if to say, "Please tell me that you are joking, in some way, and are not feeling real emotion on behalf of a character in a Subway commercial." However, probably because he is marrying me, CW was willing to humor my observation for that brief moment and let me not answer the part where I would have had to admit that I did really feel bad for the used-car dude. I left it at that.
But then yesterday, I got to work a few minutes early, and was pretty hungry. I suddenly found myself wandering in the aforementioned commercially influenced haze, into the Subway restaurant located next door to my job. Boy did I feel like a sellout. Not only was I now eating a crappy turkey sub off some stale roll that had obviously not been baked in the hour or preceding my visit, as Subway likes to claim. But I was also forsaking my compassion for the plight of the used-car salesman, who had fallen prey to Subway's corporate advertising budget and had picked the wrong day to try and have his big sale. Damn corporations.
OK! Gotta go, fantasy draft time.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
march madness saves the day
i have been experiencing my own non-basketball related march madness for the past 11 days or so, which hasn't exactly been fun. but screw that, because the real march madness has begun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i couldn't be happier. every sports fan knows that february is a pretty dead sports month, although the knicks have been keeping it real this year, and there has been all this T.O. stuff (sorry, baby) to sustain our interest. but the payoff for the bleakness(all around) of feb. is the start of NCAA b-ball tournament season, and it is finally here! this means, i made it :)
in fact, i am sitting on my couch right now, creating a rubric for the paper my students are handing in tomorrow, and WATCHING THE BIG EAST TOURNAMENT ON TV!!! from now on, all sentences that concern what i am doing(which would be twittering, i suppose, now that our society has fallen in love with twitter) will hopefully end with "and WATCHING THE TOURNAMENT ON TV!!" not just the big east of course, but all of them. i am an insatiable college basketball junkie, starting now, and i will take whatever you got. north dakota? great. west washington montana university? word up.
my hopefully future alma mater, St. John's, beat G-town last night!!! i don't know if anyone has picked up on this yet, but i am beyond desperate to affiliate myself with a remotely viable college athletic program. if i am accepted to st. john's, look out. i am about to become the most rabid red storm fanatic you have ever seen. GO RED STORM! don't call it a comeback, y'all. i am not gonna lie: i am terribly pleased that the school i really want to go to has half a chance in hell of building their b-ball program back up to its mark jackson-or-chris-mullen-era glory. i mean, if i wind up at nyu, it's back to the land of the seawolves, beavers and terriers. i mean, what the hell is nyu's mascot, anyway? the golden purple torches? no thank you.
so please, st. john's. let me enroll in your university. i have already started picking out jerseys and comparing ticket packages. we could do great things together...
oh, and march madness rules!!!!
*************Update***************
I would just like to note that no sooner do I get hype for a particular team, but they promptly lose. Happens every March(I'm talking to you, Syracuse). But I guess it's time for me to take responsibility. I am obvs a jinx, although I don't think this affects St. John's ability to become a winning team again, once I am a student. Oh, and St. John's lost to Marquette this afternoon, or should I say, got their ass handed to them in a sound thrashing, the score was 74-45. Ouch. St. John's had 10 points at the end of the half. I am serious. Sorry, guys. I promise to keep my hopes for you quiet next year.
in fact, i am sitting on my couch right now, creating a rubric for the paper my students are handing in tomorrow, and WATCHING THE BIG EAST TOURNAMENT ON TV!!! from now on, all sentences that concern what i am doing(which would be twittering, i suppose, now that our society has fallen in love with twitter) will hopefully end with "and WATCHING THE TOURNAMENT ON TV!!" not just the big east of course, but all of them. i am an insatiable college basketball junkie, starting now, and i will take whatever you got. north dakota? great. west washington montana university? word up.
my hopefully future alma mater, St. John's, beat G-town last night!!! i don't know if anyone has picked up on this yet, but i am beyond desperate to affiliate myself with a remotely viable college athletic program. if i am accepted to st. john's, look out. i am about to become the most rabid red storm fanatic you have ever seen. GO RED STORM! don't call it a comeback, y'all. i am not gonna lie: i am terribly pleased that the school i really want to go to has half a chance in hell of building their b-ball program back up to its mark jackson-or-chris-mullen-era glory. i mean, if i wind up at nyu, it's back to the land of the seawolves, beavers and terriers. i mean, what the hell is nyu's mascot, anyway? the golden purple torches? no thank you.
so please, st. john's. let me enroll in your university. i have already started picking out jerseys and comparing ticket packages. we could do great things together...
oh, and march madness rules!!!!
*************Update***************
I would just like to note that no sooner do I get hype for a particular team, but they promptly lose. Happens every March(I'm talking to you, Syracuse). But I guess it's time for me to take responsibility. I am obvs a jinx, although I don't think this affects St. John's ability to become a winning team again, once I am a student. Oh, and St. John's lost to Marquette this afternoon, or should I say, got their ass handed to them in a sound thrashing, the score was 74-45. Ouch. St. John's had 10 points at the end of the half. I am serious. Sorry, guys. I promise to keep my hopes for you quiet next year.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
if you piss off jon stewart, you better back the fuck up
And this shit with Colbert had me laughing so hard I was having trouble not puking. I know, gross. But koala pox? Gargamel? It's totally awesome.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
what in the hell?
now, r. kelly's "trapped in the closet" is not necessarily news, since it's been out for quite some time. everyone heard, or at least heard about, the 17 minutes of it that made the radio edit, and of course i assume we are all familiar with the general craziness that is r. kels (peeing on teenagers, etc)
last night, i came home to find that IFC was playing all 22 episodes of the "trapped in the closet" opus back to back(which takes about two hours, mind you). i had never watched the whole thing, and i must say, even with my existing knowledge of r. kelly's leanings toward bizarre shit, i was taken aback at the sheer lunacy of it all.
let's get a few things established. with "trapped in the closet," r. kelly has composed something along the lines of an opera(in that everything is sung. everything.) which appears to warn against the dangers of homosexuality(and being, of course, on the down-low- trapped in the closet, if you will). In doing so, it goes way beyond homophobia, arriving at the brink of hysteria, in that just about the entire cast winds up contracting "the package" (um, A.I.D.S) except for the old chick myrna, and her huband randolph(or something). even the midget male stripper gets it, from omar from the wire's wife, no less. and all because "the pastor" was bonin' chuck, the homosexual character who, of course, winds up giving them all A.I.D.S. duh. that's what homosexuals do!
Now, mind you, there is no real attention drawn to the fact that these characters all sleep with each other on the reg, thus spreading around "the package" which chuck has unwittingly given to "the pastor" or that they seem to be extremely shitty people in general. the entirety of the storyline is in place, it seems, to advance the "moral of the story" which is that a dude shouldn't engage in bonin' another dude on the "down low", or at all, since this practice will only ensure that he and everyone in his entire congregation will contract the A.I.D.S virus.
wow.
did i mention there is a midget male stripper? or what about "pimp luceious"? tron? tina and her lesbian lover? (r. kelly almost shoots them, but claims that they are lucky "he likes that shit" and thus, we can all breathe a sigh of relief that lesbianism is given a free pass).
now, all thematic homophobia aside, you have to remember that the real mind-blower here is that r. kelly spends two hours singing all of this to you, and i mean ALL of it.
as in, "that when tron said 'i have to use the bathroom' and i was like 'what the fuck you gotta use the bathroom for?' and he was like 'i gotta go!' and i was like 'go then, but hurry your ass up, cause i gotta go see this bitch cathy.' and he was like 'fine, i'll hurry' and i was like 'you better, cause your ass is lazy, and you be trippin' if you think i'm gonna wait on your lazy ass." and on and on and on, each scene a seeming endless bog of r. kelly stream of conciousness (and we surely do NOT need to know every stream in r. kelly's conciousness.)
of course, the triumph of the whole mess, i suppose, is the fact that r. kelly interweaves the hilarious irony of the characters literally getting stuck in the closet while they are slogging through uncovering the mystery of "the pastor" and "the package", with the drama of the fact that the pastor is figuratively "trapped in the closet". however, it seems to me, from watching the whole sordid affair last night, that our friend the pastor is not trapped in the closet at all. he seems fine with the whole thing, it's really his wife and boyfriend who are having the hard time, and of course, all those people with a brand new case of A.I.D.S.
these are just my thoughts, on what turned out to be quite more than i bargained for... you can peep the madness yourself here... its quite useful if you want to feel a little less disfunctional.
last night, i came home to find that IFC was playing all 22 episodes of the "trapped in the closet" opus back to back(which takes about two hours, mind you). i had never watched the whole thing, and i must say, even with my existing knowledge of r. kelly's leanings toward bizarre shit, i was taken aback at the sheer lunacy of it all.
let's get a few things established. with "trapped in the closet," r. kelly has composed something along the lines of an opera(in that everything is sung. everything.) which appears to warn against the dangers of homosexuality(and being, of course, on the down-low- trapped in the closet, if you will). In doing so, it goes way beyond homophobia, arriving at the brink of hysteria, in that just about the entire cast winds up contracting "the package" (um, A.I.D.S) except for the old chick myrna, and her huband randolph(or something). even the midget male stripper gets it, from omar from the wire's wife, no less. and all because "the pastor" was bonin' chuck, the homosexual character who, of course, winds up giving them all A.I.D.S. duh. that's what homosexuals do!
Now, mind you, there is no real attention drawn to the fact that these characters all sleep with each other on the reg, thus spreading around "the package" which chuck has unwittingly given to "the pastor" or that they seem to be extremely shitty people in general. the entirety of the storyline is in place, it seems, to advance the "moral of the story" which is that a dude shouldn't engage in bonin' another dude on the "down low", or at all, since this practice will only ensure that he and everyone in his entire congregation will contract the A.I.D.S virus.
wow.
did i mention there is a midget male stripper? or what about "pimp luceious"? tron? tina and her lesbian lover? (r. kelly almost shoots them, but claims that they are lucky "he likes that shit" and thus, we can all breathe a sigh of relief that lesbianism is given a free pass).
now, all thematic homophobia aside, you have to remember that the real mind-blower here is that r. kelly spends two hours singing all of this to you, and i mean ALL of it.
as in, "that when tron said 'i have to use the bathroom' and i was like 'what the fuck you gotta use the bathroom for?' and he was like 'i gotta go!' and i was like 'go then, but hurry your ass up, cause i gotta go see this bitch cathy.' and he was like 'fine, i'll hurry' and i was like 'you better, cause your ass is lazy, and you be trippin' if you think i'm gonna wait on your lazy ass." and on and on and on, each scene a seeming endless bog of r. kelly stream of conciousness (and we surely do NOT need to know every stream in r. kelly's conciousness.)
of course, the triumph of the whole mess, i suppose, is the fact that r. kelly interweaves the hilarious irony of the characters literally getting stuck in the closet while they are slogging through uncovering the mystery of "the pastor" and "the package", with the drama of the fact that the pastor is figuratively "trapped in the closet". however, it seems to me, from watching the whole sordid affair last night, that our friend the pastor is not trapped in the closet at all. he seems fine with the whole thing, it's really his wife and boyfriend who are having the hard time, and of course, all those people with a brand new case of A.I.D.S.
these are just my thoughts, on what turned out to be quite more than i bargained for... you can peep the madness yourself here... its quite useful if you want to feel a little less disfunctional.
Monday, March 02, 2009
this "snow day" is pretty weak, y'all
so, last night before the snow started, it seemed like this was gonna be one hell of a storm. here's my take on snowstorms: either go big or get that bullshit out of here. if it isn't bad enough to get everything canceled, it just becomes a giant, hairy pain in the ass, because we new yorkers have to walk all over the place and rely solely on public transportation, which we can tell you, doesn't hold up so well in these conditions.
i thought this storm would be on the order of the one we had in 2003, when we holed up in julie's apartment for three days and sarah kept emerging from the kitchen every few hours with freshly cooked meals for us. what i remember about that experience is that i was never without a fresh martini, or occasionally, champagne(if it was morning) and that it fucking rocked, dude. the only time i left the premises was to go skitching on the back of matt "irv gotti" gottesman's party van, and also, i believe, to go sledding at the bethpage black(ok, not on the actual black, but on the grounds of the golf course, on one of the shittier courses). we didn't do a damn thing for that whole time, and it was because we got like three feet of snow, so no one else was doing anything, either.
when we get a storm like the one we are currently having, it's only sorta-bad, so everyone has different opinions on whether things should shut down or not. for instance, the nyc public schools are closed, yet my school is open. that blows. especially because i don't have class until tonight, when everything will be icy and it will be even colder than it is right now. i will probably fall down at some point, i just want to put that out there ahead of time.
in addition, charles williams had to go to work, just because the corporate d-bags (and the d stands for "douche") he works for had some dumb meeting today so they all had their drivers brave the treacherous roadways to bring their punk asses down here from connecticut or wherever the hell their rich asses live. sucks, i tell you. we should be eating chili and watching "first take" on espn right now, but this bogus-ass storm fell into the "get that bullshit out of here" category.
it's disappointing. a waste of precipitation, if you ask me. and for a winter that has been pretty hellishly cold, i really feel as if we deserve at least one bona-fide snow day. unfortunately, this ain't it.
i thought this storm would be on the order of the one we had in 2003, when we holed up in julie's apartment for three days and sarah kept emerging from the kitchen every few hours with freshly cooked meals for us. what i remember about that experience is that i was never without a fresh martini, or occasionally, champagne(if it was morning) and that it fucking rocked, dude. the only time i left the premises was to go skitching on the back of matt "irv gotti" gottesman's party van, and also, i believe, to go sledding at the bethpage black(ok, not on the actual black, but on the grounds of the golf course, on one of the shittier courses). we didn't do a damn thing for that whole time, and it was because we got like three feet of snow, so no one else was doing anything, either.
when we get a storm like the one we are currently having, it's only sorta-bad, so everyone has different opinions on whether things should shut down or not. for instance, the nyc public schools are closed, yet my school is open. that blows. especially because i don't have class until tonight, when everything will be icy and it will be even colder than it is right now. i will probably fall down at some point, i just want to put that out there ahead of time.
in addition, charles williams had to go to work, just because the corporate d-bags (and the d stands for "douche") he works for had some dumb meeting today so they all had their drivers brave the treacherous roadways to bring their punk asses down here from connecticut or wherever the hell their rich asses live. sucks, i tell you. we should be eating chili and watching "first take" on espn right now, but this bogus-ass storm fell into the "get that bullshit out of here" category.
it's disappointing. a waste of precipitation, if you ask me. and for a winter that has been pretty hellishly cold, i really feel as if we deserve at least one bona-fide snow day. unfortunately, this ain't it.
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