i swear to god, if someone doesn't give me an apartment soon, i'm gonna start taking hostages. for someone from the horrific credit bracket that yours truly finds herself in, there isn't anything quite as demoralizing as trying to find yourself a place to live. timidly handing over the social security number, trying like hell to hide it in between all the paperwork that might possibly make me appear as a functioning, and hopefully upstanding, member of society, knowing all the while that those nine digits are going to betray me every time. fucking social security numbers. i should have faked my own death and gotten a new one a long time ago. i bet they sell them on the street...i'm sure i could find out where, and so long as i wasn't trying to perpetuate some sort of major fraud, i'm sure i could just slip by, no? surely it must be better than this nonsense.
so in the meantime, i continue the search for someone in this city who is willing to overlook my past transgressions and trust that i will in fact cherish the roof over my head enough to pay for it every month. and believe me, i do. especially in this crazy city.
unfortunately, just about everything else is eclipsed by the housing frenzy; sleep has pretty much become a thing of the past. despite the fact that i seem unable to affect any real change in my situation while lying fully awake at three a.m., i am still unable to quell my anxieties long enough to get any real rest. if i ever do find a place to live, i shall certainly sleep for a good month directly afterward.
i haven't even gotten very far in the search, to be honest... although the application/waiting game/rejection only has to happen once for it to leave a mark. it's just that there are only so many credit check fees i can plunk down, knowing full well that i have literally no chance in hell, before it becomes a financial catch 22.
all this bitching is pretty pointless...it all comes back to that old line that parents are famous for hitting you with when you are down and simply want to feel sorry for your dumb ass: i have no one to blame for this one but myself. years of utter neglect and disregard for my financial situation have put me where i am, and i can absolutely thank only me for where i now find myself. it is really a hard pill to swallow, that i can be so happy and still have to struggle so intensely for something as basic as a place to live.
but, so it goes. we push on. hopefully i will be able to report good news in the very near future. or else, there's always the hostage idea.
