guahhhhh

it's a bittersweet feeling i have right now. i cannot tell you how amazing the people at WRIR are, my news team most especially, because when I was sitting in studio A at 4:42 today, when I finally got the show on the air(yes, 4:42, which is FORTY TWO MINUTES LATE for those in the back of the room, or who really don't pay attention to the silly details of my life, which is fine, btw) and i wanted to cry/throw up/die/crawl into a hole, there were arms around me and people telling me how ok it was, and all these other beautiful things... and they weren't just telling me these things because they were trying to keep me from crying/throwing up/etc... they were there for the whole sequence of events that led up to that moment, and they felt my pain, i know they did.

i cannot believe how lucky i am to have found these people in richmond. i am incredibly lucky to have other people who are that supportive and awesome in my life as well, but most of them have been around for a long long time. AND I LOVE EVERY ONE OF THEM MORE THAN I CAN EXPRESS. these people are new to me, but they are of the same caliber, and they are awesome.

however, i am still totally fucked up by the fact that what happened today happened. i guess a debacle of some sort was bound to happen, and i am lucky to have three previous shows under my belt before the meltdown occured, but i felt truly awful today at 3:45 when i realized we weren't going to make 4 o'clock. and i just about wanted to die when it was 4:28 and I knew I wasn't going to make 4:30 either.

i have to let it go and learn from the mistakes that occured this week, but damn...it's not easy. to let it go. learning from the mistakes is cake, cause they were bountiful and hard-hitting. as the minutes ticked off, i saw in excruciating detail exactly where and how things had gone awry. but i can use that to the future advantage of the program i'm sure.

the bitch of it all is that right now i want MORE THAN ANYTHING to get apocolyptically wasted, just to wash it all away, but i have to go back to my stupid job tomorrow, after two weeks of utter destitution. and i have no choice about that. gots to pay the man, y'know?

when i start to feel ick, however, i just keep reminding myself of those moments in studio A. it made my heart so warm to experience that.