heat strokes of genius

hello friends. i have been away for a hot minute, true, but it's been hot. for more than a minute. and it makes me not want to do anything.

while i have been off trying to sit absolutely still while eyeing the air conditioner longingly and contemplating whether i should just turn it on and leave it on all summer, there has been quite a bit going on. especially in sports, where, if you haven't figured it out by now, i usually focus the majority of my attention. with the way the world has turned, i think this is a pretty permanent condition. i sure as hell ain't going to spend too much time on politics, the whole lot of it makes me ill. less out of partisan desire and more because it would be hilarious, i would like it if al gore just turned into some sort of eco-godzilla and swallowed up the competition, won the white house, filled it with crazy, eco-guerillas and that's what the u.s. became known for. we could shift the entire focus of our operation away from trying to fight a holy war in the middle east and just become this exceptionally well-funded army of eco-fighters, going around the world trying to stop global warming and conquering nations that refuse to drive hybrid cars. it would be just as obnoxious, but it would mix things up a bit. oh, and we could affix the "eco-" to everything. we could be "eco-citizens" of an "eco-nation", and on and on...that would keep the msnbcs and fox news people happy. they love monikers, and it would give them new things to make graphics for. yay!

oh, right. sports. so, the big news of the day concerns the following:

michael vick and dogfighting. which i have no doubt he is/was heavily involved in, and which makes me want to vomit, and which makes me sad, 'cause i liked watching michael vick play(even though he wasn't doing too much in that department of late) and now i have to hate him. dumb ass.

a rod and strippers in canada that look like zap from american gladiators.

thank god for google images. they make finding american gladiators cast pictures possible, and i salute them. ok. here's what i'm saying: if you want to chill with zap, or lazer, or whoever you have there, fine. but have you heard of the offseason? what about being 34 games back? have you heard about that? what about your job? new york yankees? third base? ring any bells? can we fuck strippers in the offseason please? unless we are rocking it out and leading the al east and clinching the division and telling all the other (boston redsox) motherfuckers to step off? 'cause last time i checked, that's not what we are doing. by any means. what we are doing is having our worst season since 1995. and we are on our way to having our worst season since 1993. and i do not like the words "worst" and "season" together. at all. and while we are having the worst season ever, i would appreciate it if you didn't show up on the back of the new york post in pictures taken in the wee hours of the morning of you with a stripper going to your hotel when you have a game the next day! is that too much to ask? i just paid 150 for two tickets to watch y'all lose this past sunday. i don't think that is too much to ask.

whew.

finally, we have this: mark cuban, who might think of focusing on the mav's and their spectacular meltdown in round one of this years nba playoffs, is instead drowning his sorrows in this atrocious idea: a football league to compete with the nfl.

a few things immediately come to mind. such as, was mark cuban in a coma for the three months that the xfl lasted in 2001? perhaps. but more importantly, i would like to know why anyone in their right mind would think there could be competition with the nfl when the league cuban is proposing would only be able to pick up draftees from the second round and beyond. that's like saying the nba d-league is poised to compete with the nba. as far as i can discern from the article, cubes thinks that having the games on friday nights will make the difference. the nfl doesn't have games on friday nights because of potential conflict with high school football. listen up, mark cuban. cause i have a feeling high school football generates far more interest than will your xfl redux. and you won't even have "he hate me".

god, it's hot in here. i'm out. and remember: "eco-" is the new "freedom".