let me tell you something. cable access television in new york city is probably one of the more bizarre things you will ever view, or at least have the ability to view on a daily basis, especially in the continental united states. last night, charles and i happened upon a program which has changed our lives forever, and not in a good way.
at eleven o'clock on wednesday night, you can tune in to one of the many mmn cable access channels and find yourself watching a program called 'kim tre' from around the way'. we happened to be passing by just as kim tre', who i don't believe is technically from around the way, but perhaps more likely from the outpatient psych ward of one of the new york metropolitan area's mental health facilities, was beginning her show. i will just explain to you exactly what we saw, because to try and actually describe it any other way would require that i at least understand something about it, which is not the case.
there is a backdrop of this strange cartoon scene involving a creature that cannot be classified but that is wearing a bonnet-type hat and whom i believe is carrying a basket of some sort. surrounding the creature are other creatures of a more recognizable species, namely a squirrel, and a couple of birds. the colors involved were, as best i can remember, red, yellow blue and white. if i am to give you any further help in understanding what i am talking about, i can only say that i would not expect to find said mural anywhere but in a small child's nursery. and even then, it would be somewhat creepy.
now, here comes the good part. in front of the mural, dancing in jeans and a t shirt that reads 'get lucky', is a blonde woman of indeterminate age. if i had to guess, i'd place her in her late forties, despite her sincere effort to radiate mid-to-late twenties. enough said, no? oh, and the music she has chosen for her opening-sequence-interpretive-dance? 'i've seen all good people', by yes. but the first part, where the music is all tripped out.
now, take a moment, put all those images together in your head, add the giant pair of white rimmed sunglasses she is wearing and figure in that a some point we also hear her speak, at which time she unearths the craziest long island accent this side of massapequa, or massapequa park, and tell me how your feeling so far.
charles had already asked that i hold his hand.
to try and explain what the show is supposed to be about, one can check the mme guide and see that 'kim tre' from around the way' is billed as a show about 'celebrities and celebrity gossip', but i assure you it's much, much more than that.
now i am going to list a series of quotes, things that flew directly from the mouth of kim tre' herself, in between bouts of spasmodic dancing to van morrison, lenny kravitz and others.
caller: "what kind of music do you like?"
kim tre': "well i like stuff that really hits my soul hard. -pause- like, i really love me some hall and oats."
"i was, like, the only american that worked there. and i was always like, 'usa all the way!' and they hated it!" -on the restuarant in soho that she worked in with a bunch of "foriegners"
"i really liked the collabo he did with..." -she used the word "collabo" no less than ten times in 28 minutes.
she also said "stee-lo" and i believe she wanted it to mean "style", but i was laughing to hard at the hall and oats thing to remember it verbatim.
i can honestly say that i have never seen anything quite like this. kim tre' talked to her sister, a person going by the name of "charms", some dude named peter who claimed to have sent her a picture of himself playing guitar "what did the email say???" kim tre' shreeked at ol' pete, and pete goes "it said, this is a picture of me playing guitar." oh good lord.
so yeah, i can't say that i'm not both intrigued and frightened that i am currently inhabiting the same island as this woman. charles was straight frightened; he claimed to enter a kim tre' induced coma directly after the program ended from which he was only able to emerge to watch mark cuban on dave letterman.
but i think i might have to happen by next week, if for no other reason than to prove to myself that this really exists. oh, and kim tre' immediately trumped all other weirdo cable access shows i have seen, including the dude who ran a half hour of women walking by on the sidewalk filmed by his hidden camera, set to weird trance music he created, the drunk guys that had a drunk sports news show, and the gay gentleman who was trying to run his own mtv by taping mtv and vh1 and then running the taped-videos on his cable access program and pretending he was a v-jay.
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