loved despite great faults

i just watched the entirety of arrested development's second season over the course of about eight hours. great show. just keeps getting better, really.

had a rather intense evening last night, one of those times when the finer detail of my interior fucked-upness gets brought to light in a pretty undeniable fashion. i have someone to thank for that, and i do thank him, and the fact that there is even a person such as he makes me want even more to not be so fucked the hell up. but wanting is one thing, i suppose. the rest is quite a large undertaking. i feel sometimes like i am trapped in a situation with only two possible outcomes: that i become the person who i have spent my life trying to avoid, or that i continue to act as a result of that person and it is beyond my control. i admit, i don't know that those are the only two options, and actually, i have a habit of hanging on pretty tightly to the belief that there are many other outcomes, none of which have anything to do with those. but it gets kind of daunting from time to time. and it makes me want to do what i realized so spectacularly last night that i do, which is cut everything off and act like an asshole for no real reason other than it makes me feel twistedly better to act shitty sometimes.

luckily for me, this doesn't seem to ever elicit the desired result, which(at the time) is to drive people away from me...so really all it is, is a waste of time and energy. one of the many reasons why it's all ridiculous.

i know. all this is terribly depressing. and dumb. here are some recent upsides: killa gets groomed tomorrow, so she will no longer stink. that's something to be pleased about. trey is moving in for the next week or two until his new place is ready, which is wonderful because trey is one of my favorite people and because it is really nice having people around the house, especially when it is cold out. don't know where that comes from. it will be rather lovely to have him.

i'm off to think some more, and to try and sleep in the spaces my brain will allow. i had great dreams last night, of nothing in particular, but every time i woke up, my first conscious feeling was one of well-being. i suppose that is an upside as well.